Rob’s Calling…

When I heard George speak the other week, it was almost like I was meant to be there. I hadn’t been to OLOL for 5years, even though I use to go all the time- I went to English mass for 10 years and was in the choir for 8 years. I have been going to St Charbel recently with a friend from work- it was only in the off chance that two Sundays a go I got home at 6pm from a friends house, and I knew I wasn’t going to make it to St Charbel’s so I thought to myself I am going to go to OLOL. That was the Sunday, I heard George speak, and I really felt I was meant to be there! That is why even though I did not see him that night at church I thought I had to contact him, I wanted to help any way I could. 

Rob’s Background…

I was born in Australia, but I grew up with Lebanese friends. Peter is my closest friend.

I was working part time in year 12. I met him through work and I suppose our friendship really grew. I began speaking Lebanese as I started meeting his relatives, and I have been to Lebanon. I can understand more than I can speak. I know sometimes when I go to church people look at me and …(he laughed). People ask me if I am Croatian or Russian.

My Mother is Norwegian and my Dad is Australian.

I am Roman Catholic.

You mentioned you want to help- How do you think you could help? 

I think through sharing what I have been through. I have suffered depression since I was about 16 years old. I have always felt low. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 22 years old, but I have lived with it for nearly 18 years- I am nearly 35 years. I’ve been suicidal and I have tried to commit suicide before. There are still times when I feel quite down, but I don’t know why. So I think being through what I have been through and being through those depths of despair and that sort of really dark place that you go to, and then coming out of it, I now have a desire to help people as well, and being through what I have been through, I am not wanting anyone else to go through it, even though I know other people do go through it. I hope through my experiences that I am able to talk to other people, and help them and show them that suicide which is a total final sort of thing where there is no coming back, is never the answer!

What made you see that it is not the answer?

Umm, I think God. I had so much faith in God and Jesus and I love him so much. I know there was a point when I really wanted to kill myself and I tried and I think I stopped myself because there was something in the back of my mind saying “No, No, Don’t do this’ You have so much to live for- really good friends and family and life and I think it was my faith ultimately that stopped me from going ahead with it and doing it.

How old were you?

The first time, I was 33 years when I attempted suicide, but it wasn’t the first time I contemplated it.

What means? 

I tried to overdose. I took these pills, but it was that instant when I realised what I was doing and I panicked. I panicked because I realized I did not want to die! I was trying to kill myself but I did not want to die, so I made myself sick and got most of it out. I then went to the doctor, did not tell him anything but just got him to check me over and he said everything was fine. But it affected me, mentally and psychologically. For weeks afterwards the thought that I tried to do this shook me really bad. I nearly broke down over it, as there were many thoughts going through my mind.

What were the thoughts going through your mind? 

Umm, I was just feeling worthless, like I had really nothing to give in the world, and there were certain friends or supposed friends that were sort of using me and I had issues from my early teenage years, issues with my father, that initiated me into the depression, that were unresolved, so that was what I think led me to that point. And then I realized that suicide was totally not the answer. For weeks afterwards just the thought that I nearly killed myself was such an intense feeling…., as much as you are going through stuff every day , there are still so much blessings in the world which I do not want to miss out on. One thing that drives me to go on is my little God son. My friend Peter’s son is 6 years old and I am his God father. We are so close and I really want to be a positive influence on his life and whenever I am feeling down I can go over there and just sit and play with him. I want to live to see him grow up, go through school and university. That is a big thing that drives me to go on. In the last 6months I did almost a 180 degree turn in my thinking and it has come down to going to church and leaving it up to God –that has helped me turn my life around so much.

It sounds like you hit rock bottom before you could turn things around? 

Pretty much! I think realizing certain things about myself, facing fears and really just reaching out to God helped things turn around. Reaching out to God and my friends really turned me around. Friends… when you are depressed and maybe suicidal I suppose you don’t think anyone will understand. There are lots of people going through similar things unfortunately. Those that are closest to you, you do not want to tell them because it is embarrassing and you do not think they will understand and they will tell you to just to get over it. Depression is an illness. Opening up to people and talking about it that really helps a lot.

How did Peter react? 

He was really shocked. He is sometimes funny to talk to because we are really close and I can tell him anything. I think he is one of those people that does not believe in psychology- just get over it- but when I told him he was pretty upset and he said I could talk to him if anything was bothering me and I always knew I could, but when you are in a depressive mindset everything is compounded and everything seems more than it is and you are too scared to talk to people. You feel you are worthless and you are troubling them and you do not deserve anyone’s help.

How does telling really help, how did you find it helped you? 

It is just getting it off your chest. You’re really hurting and you really have a lot on your mind and you do not talk about it, and you just bottle it up. It is almost like a poison in you that just builds and builds and you have no outlet for it and the more you think about it, it just compounds and you get more stressed about it and…

Just talking about it gives the burden to someone else in a way. Even though the issue may have not been resolved but by talking to your friend or family you know someone is there to talk about it again. 

How did you find the courage to do that?

I think it was the only real course of action I had. If I did not talk about it I was just going to spiral down and there was no way up for me as I no longer could deal with it on my own. I needed to talk to someone. I think I got to the point where I thought I had no other option.

Who did you choose? 

It was my friend Peter. I told him first. Even though he does not really understand he was still quite shocked, may be not shocked because he knows I have been down, but he was affected by it. I remember it was a Sunday night and it was late, and I had work the next day. I had never felt like that before. It is so hard to explain how you get to that stage. But after it happened I realized what I had done and I just prayed and prayed and the next day I had to function at work and all day I just kept thinking I really needed to talk to someone but there is no one I can really trust. It is hard to bring it up as you cannot just say ‘Hey how are you going I wanted to kill myself” At the end of the day I left work and I went straight to Peter’s. I rang him on the way to his house and said I really need to talk about something. I balled my eyes out. I was so affected by it. It was such a relief to get it out, and tell someone else I am going through this.

Does it help hearing other people’s stories? 

Two months ago I went onto the beyond blue website. There was some stories and poetry. I remember reading them and it helped because you know that there are other people out there that are going through it. You do not want other people to go through it but knowing that there are other people you know that you are not alone. It is good to know that you are not alone and knowing that you do have people you can talk to and family. There are so many resources in the community like Beyond Blue.

How did you get to know beyond blue?

I just use to google stuff on depression and a corporate psychologist at work, use to get resources from beyond blue and management at work did a course on how to deal with depression in employees run by Beyondblue.

It sounds like you were searching for answers throughout your journey of living with depression. How would you describe that journey

When I was at school there were many things that I wanted to do, but I never did any of them really but I started working and had a full time job. My friend Peter opened a business when he first came to Australia so I use to work with him part time and for years, one thing that kept me going was that he needs me at work to run his business as he had a wife and kids. That is probably not the best way of thinking but that kept me going. When I was 24 years I had a breakdown but did not try to commit suicide. Everything was getting to me, I was working 7 days a week and I went to the doctor shaking & crying. I had to take time off work because I could not deal with things but I think it was a culmination of everything because at that stage I was dealing with a lot of stuff from my earlier teenage years and I was working 7 days a week and I was not giving my body time to rest or deal with anything on my mind. I just collapsed. My friend Peter helped me by making sure I rested and we talked things through. He gave me something to look forward to by saying if I saved enough money I could go overseas which I had always wanted to do. That helped me. I went overseas and spent time with Peter’s family. It was the most amazing time of my life. I came back with a totally different outlook on life. I had a sponsor child with world vision. Up until the age of 30 years I began to start to rebuild my life again, the depression was not affecting me much. I was still working 7 days a week, and I thought I was happy but I had been losing connection with all these friends I use to have and then Peter sold his business and I had  all this free time on my hands all of a sudden and I did not know what to do with myself. I realised I no longer had a close knit group of friends, only acquaintances. That is where things started to catch up with me. I was 30 years and there was this whole chunk of my life that had gone so fast and I still did not know what I wanted to do and things started to spiral. From 31 years to 6months ago the depression was starting to slowly build again. I felt people were taking advantage of me and I was not looking after myself and then I hit that rock bottom again.

It sounds like when you had nothing to look forward to it allowed the depression to creep back?

What was more of a huge thing for me was my feeling of self worth. I really cared about what people thought of me. If they thought I was stupid that meant that I was stupid. If you weren’t so worried about what other people thought of you, you wouldn’t feel so bad. And the worst thing about depression is that you are too embarrassed to share your thoughts because you think no one else has the same thoughts. I was always scared of losing friendships. It is not affecting me as much at the moment because there are people I can talk to if I need to talk and I think the desire that I have inside that I really want to start helping other people will help move me forward. I need to look at the blessings I have.

What do you think ‘will power’ plays in the role of depression- like if you want to get over it you can?\ 

I don’t really believe that but I think there are different degrees of depression. If you suffer quite badly like me, you cannot just say ‘get over it’. It is not helpful to say because it puts unrealistic expectations on people. People who are in it(depression), cannot just think positive or get over it. Particularly if you said it to teenagers it would be damaging.

What do you think a friend could do to support people who are going through the same thing?

I can sit here and say I have been through this, but I cannot pinpoint what helps. Knowing what its like could help. My advice is: Never be too busy to help. Just listen and be there. Let them know that they are not alone or weird, or have something wrong with them. Let them know that even though it is a part of their life, it does not define who they are. Just because they suffer from depression does not mean they have to be gloomy all the time. Give them permission to laugh. Tell them they do not have to feel guilty about being happy. 

How should young people see the experience of depression?

When you are really depressed it does nothing for you. Just look at what you have. It is hard to put it in to words- Just try to look at blessings- health, family friends, things that are important- try and hold onto them.

One thing that worked for me was that I use to write a lot of poetry. Particularly in year 11 and 12 and my early 20’s. I wrote so much poetry. One thing that really upset me a few years ago was that I lost them. I had a certain amount that I had printed into books. A lot of the poems are really depressing but it is nice to look back at something that is a part of you. I still try and write every now & again but it is hard when you get older you are busy with other things. If you have something that you are really passionate about like painting, or you have a talent. If you are depressed, if you link up to your talent or you try and express yourself it really keeps you going. Poetry helped me so much because I was able to put into words what I was feeling. For young people, it is important to hold on to what you really value and what makes you happy. 

If someone came along and said I can help you live without depression- what would be your reaction?

I’d say how? It is not something you can just fix. 

If someone cam along and said, if you resolve those past issues, then you can be free of depression what would you say?

I would say no. I think I had a lot of issues from a young age which led to low self esteem and depression. I think now in my thirties I have worked through that, I now have a relationship with my father again and I get on with him. That may have been the cause for the depression, but taking the issue does not just take the depression away. It is hard to explain. I do not think the depression will ever go away totally.
I am managing my depression a lot better these days. I do not know if it is because I resolved some issues, or because I have lived with it so long I have gotten use to it.

How do you see your relationship with depression now- would you say it has control over you or you have control over it? Are you happy to live with it as is? 

At the moment it is a bit each way. I still have some very bad days. I still have issues in my life that can be fixed that are getting me down some days but on other days there are days I can wake up and feel good and I know that the issues are there but they do not bother me and I think that is something that 5 years ago I was not able to do. Some days now it controls me and other days I am able to control it.

I really long for a day that I can just be happy and not live with it at all. I am happy where I am at the moment but I think I would still like to go further and be free of it.

On those days where it is on top of you- how do you get through those tough days? 

Now, I try and surround myself of pictures that make me happy. I try and focus on my Godson and niece and nephew. I know that tomorrow is another day. I have not seen suicide as a choice for a while. If I think back I do not know how I got through. I was depressed every day, I would go to work, I do not know how people put up with me some days because I was so out of it and depressed. Now when I look back I do not know how I got through. Now, I focus on what is most important to me, my health and loved ones. I just pray.

How did God become part of your life? 

I was raised as a catholic and was made to go to church when I was younger- I did not really have a relationship. I stopped going to church when I was 15 years old, because my parents no longer made me go. When I really started to get down in year 12, in the moment I realised God was a big part of my life which I had not thought about much before. I did have faith and I wanted to start going back to church. My friends went to OLOL 7pm mass and I went with them Going back made my faith stronger. I had a friend who was in the choir who was killed in the car accident and that is when I first joined the choir as well, to honour him. My faith grew, but then I got too busy and I did not make time. 18months ago, I was at work and going through so much stuff and one of the top managers at my work is Maronite and he goes to St Charbel and I told him I was struggling with life. He said you need to come back to church with me and I think at that point  I thought ‘Yes I do” It is alright to say I have faith and I pray at home, but going back to church and praying with the congregation makes it so much more personal for me. So that is what has really helped me in the last18 months. Opening up to God, and really believing his love can help. 

It sounds like you have had a lot of friends who have helped you out?

I feel blessed.